Lusciouslacey’s Weblog

An open mind has endless possibilities

MensHealth.com is going to be my new boyfriend…

Menshealth seems to know how to make a woman happy!! Do guys read menshealth?? How are they missing this? If it is plain as day in black and white and all you have to do is read and apply?? Where is the breakdown here?? haha I thought this was fun… and it entertained me!!

Men, read up!!!

Ladies, tell your men to read up!!! ; )

From MensHealth.com, here are Six Secret Ways To Turn Her On:

1. Ditch the Cell Phone. Any guy who can’t go 2 hours without checking in with his friends, his job, his family, comes across as desperately insecure. Turn it off in front of her. She will recognize you as the man who is comfortable and at peace with what’s in front of him.
2. Fix Something. But try to do it in her presence. But make sure it’s something fairly complicated, not just changing a light bulb. There’s a fine line between looking manly and looking like a doofus.
3. Read a Book. Reading in public is a great way to give women an excuse to talk to you.
4. Replace Bottles on a Watercooler. It’s a quick, easy way to make the chicks in the office sit up and take notice of your athletic prowess. You know those bottles aren’t that heavy, but who cares, because women think they are.
5. Write E-Mails Longer than 5 Words. Men are all about keeping things short and to the point, but in chick world, this translates into boring and uninterested. If she writes, “How was your night?” Do not just write back, “It was okay.” Expound a little.
6. Disagree With Her. Women tend to test the limits of a man’s patience and generosity. Some time, when she’s going on and on about something you’ve done wrong, and you’ve apologized for the tenth time, just say, “Shut up.”

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July 29, 2008 Posted by | You live and you learn | 1 Comment

The stickier side of life

I was inspired throwing out a couple of my favorite bumper stickers in another post. I figured why not put out some more of my favorites.

Let’s do it!!! These are all bumper stickers I have seen and written down or saved in my blackberry for a rainy day!  

-No ones ugly after 2am.

-Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink don’t drive!

-Slurp my ass!! (yeah seriously… I have seen this)

-DO NOT VOTE FOR HILLARY! She lies and likes to eat kittens for snacks.

-The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

-I chose the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

-Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean (agaisnt doors, tables, walls)

-Quoting one is plagiarism, Quoting many is research.

-West Virgina: One million people, and 15 last names.

-I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that?

July 24, 2008 Posted by | You live and you learn | Leave a comment

Jacked Up List

I have found myself using the expression…”That’s jacked up” more often then not lately. With that being said, here is my Jacked UP LIST!
– Pregnancy tests at the check out. No candy, no gum, no batteries, tissues, mini flashlights or any other useless junk… that I always buy last minute from standing there waiting to purchase! Instead a whole check out line full of nothing but pregnancy tests. Really???? Is that one of those impulse buys… oh I think I need a pregnancy test…. might as well have one or two on hand… What could possibly be the motive behind that display??-A hamburger shop named Pickle’s!! Why not Hamburger, Burger Bun, Burger World? Why not another pick of the garden? Call the place Lettuce… or tomato… mayo maybe?? I think the only reason this upsets me is because I hate pickles and I mean hate them!!! (Unless they are fried… come on I am from the south) A place called Onion’s probably wouldn’t have held my attention this long.

-I was at lunch and found a ladybug, a dead ladybug in my salad. Had I moved some more lettuce around I am sure I would have found two or three more. The manager comes over I tell her and she said “It must be your lucky day, you win” !!!! Win what? A dead ladybug? Are you kidding me? She leaves the salad and the dead ladybug in my face after I said I was no longer hungry and was good with out a replacement dish. (rule number one of service: If someone is not pleased with their meal or anything on the plate REMOVE THE PLATE!! The more they look at it the more it upsets them… its a fact!) Oh yeah good times!!!

-I had someone tell me I looked fat this week! It was yesterday! I’m a size 4… fat? Yeah, jacked up!

-Drug Tests for jobs. There really does need to be another concept thought up. This is way more info then you cared to know. But guys have it pretty easy! Yeah peeing in a cup not so hard, when you have peed in beer bottles and god only knows what else while standing, lying or sitting. You pretty much point and go. Women, not so easy!! Sitting, holding a cup, making sure you pee enough to pass the line. Crazy and a little challenging to say the least!! I had to ask the Nurse Man… “is there not an easier way?” You would think someone would have invented a better way! A contraption of sorts so you don’t run the risk of peeing on your hand or leg… let alone getting any on your clothes. I sat/stood there about to pee in a cup for my very first drug test and thought… beyond jacked up!!

-Jacked up Bumper Stickers-

-So your kids no honor student. Society needs laborers!

– Squirrels-natures speed bumps

-Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.

hahahahahaha, I laugh… but what the hell!! That’s jacked up!!

-Shrimp Chips and Banana Puffs!! I go to visit two of my favorite co-workers, super fun and sweethearts to the max!! I go to their office to visit (they work in the web room. big open space with lots of pretty amazing mac computers, huge screens everywhere and desks set up so they can work at their own stations but have the team support thing as well. Pretty cool.) and when I visit I come with gifts. This certain time I had a handful of tootsie roll pops!!! Mmmmm mmmm so good!! I hand over the goods and they offer me some snacks. Yay snacks!! You guessed it Shrimp Chips and Banana puffs!! Now, they described the snacks to me… and the snacks tasted pretty spot on to the descriptions. But I just wasn’t prepared for it. The Shrimp chips were down right NASTY!!! I mean NASTY NASTY!!!! A little cheese cracker looking thing… bite down and oh my god that is not good and the aftertaste is even worse and it doesn’t go away. Everything you try to stay away from when eating seafood… that old fishy taste/smell. Yeah, that is exactly what it tasted like, just in cracker form. The Banana Puffs, were shaped and textured the exact same as a cheese puff. These are yellow in color and taste totally sweet and banana-ie!! Very puffed sweet cereal taste almost… but then you get it in the face with the processed banana flavor. Oh, and I might tell you I hate anything banana flavored. LOVE BANANAS hate the fakey flavor. Soooooo if you like banana and super super sweet. Go ahead and try them… Shrimp Chips… stay away from those things all together!! These snacks are jacked!!!

-One of my best friends next door neighbors got bit by a snake. This poor girl was trying to save the snake from being killed (by another neighbor) figured it was a harmless and went in to pick it up after trying with a broom, cooler, shovel to get it off this little old ladies porch. This girl wanted to move the snake put it in the woods and be good to go!!! She went to pick up the snake and got bit in the hand… and within 10 mins the snake is dead (death by shovel) and the poor girls hand had swollen 5 times what it was!!! Yeah, turns out after a visit to the ER, it was a copperhead. Her hand and arm were totally swollen to the point where the lower part of her arm looked like her upper thigh. The pictures looked like a blown up latex glove. It was insane! I haven’t been around many snake bites… but if the swelling moved past two joints in her arm they were going to have to give her anti-venom. They try to stay clear from this stuff unless they have to use it… because they give it to you and you are deathly ill for the next 72 hours with a trip to the ICU with your name on it. Needless to say from the quick swelling… she got the anti-venom and is still there. Now they are talking surgery!!!

The jacked up part… well yeah, the fact that she went to pick the snake up not knowing what it was first. But the really really really jacked up part… my two girlfriends that were in the ER room with this poor girl were sitting around thinking up names for her hand. They were looking for the “cankle” term for a fat hand and arm joined together!! One in the same!!!! Poor girl bit by a snake and the butt of all jokes in the ER!! Was pretty funny though.

 

 

 

July 24, 2008 Posted by | Just me, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Best story ever… not really.

I had a pain in my ass day… well more like a pain in the ass half a day. Here’s how it went.

I go to work in the morning. Not to early not to late… work my ass off at my new job that I totally love. Just really busy right now since I am trying to learn everything and figure out my own system for it all. I leave the great job to head to job number two. Since I drove everyone to lunch I was down to pretty much empty in my jeep. I stop to fill up at my usual gas station… (no where near job #1,  but just a few mins from job #2) I grab the trusty check/debit card and go to pay at the pump. I put it in once… enter my pin and I see INVALID CODE ERROR. So I do it again… INVALID CODE ERROR again… I stop here just about everytime I need gas so I don’t see how this is not working. I have even used this exact pump. I go inside at the gas station and try… still not working. At this point I am just about late for work. I had enough time to drive from job #1 to job #2 and get gas between.  I come back out to my jeep grab my cell to call my bank as I dig thru my wallet to see if I have any cash to get gas to make it to work just a mile away. I turn my debit card over to get the bank 1-800 number and wow…ummm… okay that is not my signature and Im sure as hell not Jessica Bernstein!!!!!

At this point (Im not an idiot) I figure out I don’t have MY debit card and somewhere somehow the switch-a-roo happened. I just didn’t know where or how exactly. We had the same card. Same color, same stripes, same everthing …. yeah I still felt like a big dummy for letting that happen regardless. I dig and dig and find a couple bucks in change to at least make it to work. After calling my boss telling him I will be a few mins late to work… and I AM NEVER LATE TO WORK!!! I work at a bar/pub so I knew if I got there I would have enough cash in my pocket to pay for more gas later. I pump and drive to work the whole time on hold with my bank. After a good 10-15 mins of holding and the worst hold music ever… DISCONNECTED!!! I call again walking into work… put on hold… 20 mins go by and DISCONNECTED!!! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE!!! I go do some work, come back in the kitchen and call again… I can’t get anyone on the phone.  At this point I just want to check my balance to see if my new card holder had spent any of my money. I spent $22 of hers before finding out and I felt horrible. I get into a non-complete version of online banking. Basically PC/blackberry banking, you can get your balance and that is about it. HOLY CRAP ARE YOU KIDDING ME…. $3000 short!!! She spent $3000 in two and half days. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE WITH A DEBIT CARD… what ever happened to needing a pin, or a matching billing address, what about anything???

I fnally get someone at my 1-800 bank line to pick up after my shift at 11:30pm… asking me if I could please call back in an hour because the bank systems are down!!! YEA NO PROBLEM… SOME CHICKS JUST SPENDING ALL MY MONEY… BUT YOU GO AHEAD AND FIX THE SYSTEM!!! AGHHHH

I get home and try to login to Online Banking. NO, ACCESS DENIED!!! Please call your 1-800 bank number.

I called again and finally cancelled my card/accont and asked to be able to use my online banking again. I told them that I had another girls card thinking if they freeze her account or put a note on her online banking she then might know what happened. WHO AM I KIDDING??? She knew exactly what she was doing… I ask again WHO SPENDS $3000 in two days.

Here I am in the middle of getting up to speed a new job and I have to budget time to go into my bank and sit down with someone to dispute the charges on my card (all charges from NY by the way… ummm Im in Georgia and you have to investigate) They check it all out and then if it checks out I get my money back.

Try not being able to spend your money when you know you have it and work for a living to keep it. Not so much fun!!

A day after I figured this all out, I am still dealing with the mess, having to call all my bills to pay online or to just tell them my card number is now changing… FUN!!

Could be worse right>???  I know I know I am just over dealing with it at this point.

July 17, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

If one jumps they all do…

A little group study if you will.

People are not kidding when they say it only takes one… good example of what I am talking about -One friend gets married they all start getting married. Two- The group is married for the most part, one has baby they all start having babies. Lucky for me I am in the middle of wedding season right now so the whole “who’s getting preggo first” thing has not started just yet. Even though I could put money on  who is going to be the first mommy of my group any day of the week.

Back on track, the “one goes they all go” theory works on other things too!! Not just on lifes starting together and new lifes coming into the mix… but with breaking up it happens too.  An example is set. A break up happens and now you are in a group that went from two single people to 6 in a matter of three weeks. It truly is crazy. One starts talking about being free again, meeting new people, going on dates, hitting the bar/patio/happy hour scene again… mostly meeting new people doing new things with new groups. And the next thing you know someone is talking about trouble in paradise out of no where. You think to yourself “Dang I didn’t know they were having any trouble at all”… not even 12 hours later you get the phone call from another friend telling you that “so and so” and “what’s his name” called it quits and the troops are being called together for martinis and a bitchfest to mend “said persons” broken heart. So where are we now?? Three new single folks… a forth longs to be single just to be single again (not totally hating his or her current relationship… just missing the single fun flirty life) so he or she needs to have the “ol talk” with the significant other. Next thing you know… it’s done. Now anyone who is on the fence at all with their current relationship status hears how much fun the single group is having and who would have guessed it… the fights start out of nowhere and the single cool club grows by another number in a matter of days!!

If one jumps they all do applies to a lot of things really. It truly is amazing how it works. I like to say it’s that time of year or there is something in the water. But to be honest… I just think actions envoke thoughts and thoughts lead to actions. Kinda cool how people influence people and it shows. I’m all for it as long as you are happier because you followed the leader off that cliff.

July 17, 2008 Posted by | People in general... well my group at least. | 1 Comment

New Place…

I always complain when it is time to move. It’s a real pain in the ass to get all your stuff packed up and moved over to a new place. Unpacking takes up a ton of time too!! Not to mention gathering up all your friends promising beer and pizza if they give up most of their Sat afternoon. I can also tell you… the people that help me move every year are rockstars because I have some heavy stuff in my collection.

This year it’s a whole new concept. I am so ready to move I can’t even stand it. It would def. be easier to stay where I am. But, honestly I need a change. I’ve never been thrilled with this place or the community. It’s fun and trendy and a popular place. Everyone knows where this complex is and yeah that is awesome… if your 22!! I’m not in my early 20’s anymore and I want different things. What do I need you ask?? Here is a little list.

– A big kitchen that more then one person can function in at the same time. I love to cook and the closet size kitchen I have been working in just is not cutting it. It’s the kind of place where you can’t have the dish washer and oven open at the same time. Yea, one of those. It gets better too… the only place to put my trash can was in front of the refrigerator and the pantry. So to open one or the other you have to constantly push the trash can side to side or out of the way completely. Oh it is fun!! Sometimes it feels more like NY then Atlanta.

– Space for my two dogs inside the house so they are not on top of me all day long. As well as easy access to take them out. I don’t want to get on 2 elevators, climb 4 staircases just to get to a tiny 5×5 grassy area the complex calls a “dog park” haha yeah, no thanks!

– Storage… yes I am 27 I have a lot of things and until I have a house I need storage. By storage I mean closet space lots and lots of closet space.

– A place large enough for my furniture. I have spent a long time building my collection and I have nice things. I want to use it. All of it. No, I am not interested in storage for my table and love seat that do not fit. Why buy it to house it in a garage or controlled temp. garage-like room. NO THANKS!! If all my stuff does not fit I am on to check out the next space.

– Parking. I am so over living in a place where most of the time if you come home after 7pm you have to park 3 or 4 buildings away. Yeah, not cool at midnight when its pouring down rain. No Bueno!! Parking at my building is a must.

– A community pool that you can actually get a pool chair to sit in would be nice. I get that it is the summer and everyone wants to hit the pool. But seriously, when 96% of the people at the pool don’t live in the complex it gets to be a real pain. That’s what happens I guess when your pool is listed #1 in Atlanta by Playboy Mag. Good times!!

– A good area. Somewhere I feel safe that has all the essentials I am looking for. Grocery stores that I like, bars and restaurants that make me happy and a place that I won’t be in gridlock traffic the second I pull out of the community. (In Atlanta that can be hard to find)

With all that being said, I have found it. The moving day has been set. I am so ready!! YAY!!

July 6, 2008 Posted by | You live and you learn | 1 Comment

No more children in bars please

Let me start with… this is going to sound awful!!

 I have been in the service industry for over 10 years more like 12 or 13.  Mostly bartending and now again  waiting tables. I definitely prefer slinging drinks to passing out diet cokes and water but you do what you have to. I stay in the business cause I honestly enjoy it (most of the time). I like working one or two nights a week even on top or a full time job. It’s fun and the people are just toooo rad.

The story… I made it a point this time around to pick a restaurant that mostly adults frequent. Every once in a while you will get a kid or a baby even with one of the young couples around the area. Its never that bad. I actually get lucky 90% of the time and the table doesn’t even fall on my in rotation and another server has to wait on them. YAY!  So the other night I am at work (waiting tables) it was not slow not busy. I am working the floor with one other girl who happens to be a blast to work with. We are goofing off doing our thing when we got on the subject of kids. I love kids… just as long as they are related to me or one of my friends kids. If I can’t hand them off or leave the room when they are crying or whining I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I like to buy them stuff, hold them while they sleep… and yeah… that is about it for now. Later on I just know that whole motherly thing will kick in… but only when it has to. Oh yeah, back on track… sooo we are talking about kids…. I’m telling everyone my I don’t like kids… yadda yadda yadda … unless they are in my life and I am stuck with it … blah blah blah…. and right as I finish saying how much I hate waiting on them at work because they are loud, annoying and they most often make a total mess out of the table and the floor surrounding it. NO LIE… A HUGE BUS…. like a Grey Hound on Steroids pulls up and parks right in front of our little double doors. I stop in my tracks as well as the three other people listening to my “bad children and the parents that let them be that way rant” we are all quiet just waiting to see who gets off the bus. Of course the damn windows are tented. I say “Please God let that be Senior Citizens” I will start the coffee and go ahead and drop the chicken fingers with no spices and fries with no seasoned salt. Bland country here we come!!!! We could only hope.

Nope… of course I wouldn’t be that lucky!!! Party of 41. 4 chaperones and the rest … you guessed it… KIDS!!! All under the age 13… shoot me!!!  They pile in our tiny resturant that is more of a bar mind you. Cigarette smoke everywhere… people shooting pool and drinking pitcher after pitcher… and here comes this cross country field trip church group. 

Let me point out. I love the resturant I work at … but if I was driving cross country on a bus and got to swing thru Atlanta. This establishment would not be on my “must see list”!!!

I need a diet coke, a water and a sprite please, 4 dr peppers, 10 sweet teas, I can’t believe you actually make it sweet here… 11 waters with lots and lots and lots of lemons, Ma’am, Ma’am… MA’AAAAMMMM I didn’t get the diet coke I ordered, 2 more sprites, you didn’t take my order I will have a coffee (trying to be cool) and my girlfriend for the next 11 days will have a cherry sprite *got it one shirly temple… ummm no I said she will have a cherry sprite. three cherries not one not four …three!! Yeah dude… I got it I am thinking this is not my first rodeo… again did I mention I have been doing this for 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and that was just the drinks!! Good times.

This being a church group and all it was one check (that was my one savings grace here) however, because it was a church group and a party over 8 people we added in gratuity 18% and god love ’em we didn’t get a penny over that 18% tip and we kicked some serious ass on that party!!! In and out baby all as happy as they could be being pre-teens stuck on a bus cross country roadtrip.

I can not express how happy I was going to my first day at my new job today… picking up my new laptop, sitting in my office in my amazing leather chair having my own extension!!! Oh yeah I missed life in the buisness world. Waiting on 35 kids really makes me love the 9-5:30 workday!! I am thrilled to have it back!

July 3, 2008 Posted by | You live and you learn | Leave a comment